So apparently flying on aeroplanes is white patriarchal oppression of females everywhere. Never mind that people all over the world of all races, colours and creeds and sexes actually fly on them. Never mind some people need to fly on them for business. Never mind that men, women and children are all able to fly on planes, never mind that the BLM head person herself was allowed to fly by the aforementioned nine streaks of piss before they shut down London City’s airport.

Oh no, aeroplanes are patriarchy, and we all have to have our day ruined by these nine streaks of piss because we can’t be having no patriarchies here. The weirdly named BLMUK (which seems to be made up of white people) decided to do something about it.

Just listen to their oppression:

  • Natalie Fiennes, a film producer who is a cousin of actor Ralph Fiennes – white. Lives in a multi-million pound townhouse (when she isn’t living with her parents in their multi-million pound mansion).
  • Alex Etchart, allegedly an actor who isn’t an out of work bumbohemian – white.
  • Houseboat dweller Sama Baka – mostly white? Probably a bumbohemian?
  • Actor Richard Collett-White – double-barreled name, probably richer than you. Better than you because of the double-barreled name. Also white.
  • Film student Esme Waldron – white. Probably likes to think she’s better than you.
  • (unemployed, it would seem) “activist” Sam Lund-Harket – another double-barelled name, also white.
  • organic farmer William Pettifer who apparently “advocates [for] the ‘downfall of white supremacist capitalist patriarchy'” – superwhite, probably vegan and definitely better than you.
  • Deborah Francis-Grayson, a 31-year-old environmental activist from Slough who also sports a double-barreled name and is also white.
  • Ben Tippett, professional housemate, lives with Natalie in a multi-million pound six-bedroom townhouse in Wandsworth, south London.

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of things to be upset about in the world today, but these adult babies (actually that’s an insult to adult babies everywhere – adult babies are people with paraphilic infanfilism who deliberately cast off their adult roles in society, in private, as a way to relieve stress – these ‘man children’ never grew up) are not only barking up the wrong tree, they may be barking underwater, upside down, in the wrong hemisphere from where said tree is actually located.

It’s not that you can’t be an LSE graduate with some form of degree in English Literature or Sociology like Natalie Geraldine Twistleton-Wykeham-Fiennes is and lead a life with purpose, but that maybe despite having more letters in your name than the average Welsh township, you shouldn’t be surprised if your useless degree means you live with mummy and daddy. Albeit in their multi-million pound home in the kind of luxury that 99% of us can only dream of.

Far be it for me to suggest that being “an expert on Lesbian culture” like Esme Waldron should mean you end up as an out of work stain on the economy, but maybe you should think twice before going liberal arts in case you should end up with a degree in bum fuck anything that is absolutely not going to raise the numbers of women in STEM.

Of course, you could be a graduate of Spanish like Sama Baka, which entitles you to absolutely nothing except good service in Spanish restaurants. Not even climbing will help you, though you may be able to get a PhD in it, perhaps? It would seem that Spanish gets you about as far as does having a degree in French and Russian, like out-of-work Richard Collet-White has. And just in case you were wondering, having a degree in social anthropology and ethnomusicology does apparently get you a spot on a houseboat, so at least you’re not living with the ‘rents in their fascist dictatorships if your name is Alex Etchart.

And, Bill Pettifer, I don’t think “I worked on a farm once and hated it, fascist pigs” means you get to call yourself a farmer. Being a farmer entails, you know, actual hard work. Also, Deborah Francis-Greyson, a media and communications PhD will also get you bum fuck nowhere in the real world, but luckily with your double-barreled name you probably have more cash in the bank than I’ll see in my entire lifetime, but at least you’re not cis white straight male scum like I am. I shall flagellate myself and recite to myself “the penis is evil, only the vagina is clean. The penis is the cause of all the world’s woe, the vagina is the flappy meat curtains through which purity enters the universe” tonight, just for you. Just not in any way threatening, or in your presence, or at you, or because of you, because you’re a helpless female and I wouldn’t want to be accused of raping you even though I’m thousands of miles away. I know penises and semen have magical properties to rape through mere mentioning of their dark, cis white male natures, so I’m not taking any chances, okay?

So there you have it, folks, being white, straight and male is okay as long as you hate your balls, wish they could be removed and replaced with ovaries, or if you’re black, a woman, lesbian, not straight, not male and identify as not white. And this gives you the right to protest people trying to go on holiday, who may have been saving up for years (I can’t afford to go on holiday, but then I’m a straight white cis male, so I don’t count) and may not have been able to afford insurance, but it’s alright, as long as nebulous people who are not-white, not-male and probably not-straight can feel better about themselves. After all, if you’re black and female (or yellow, red, brown or green) and missed out on your flights, you can rejoice – all this was done for you, don’t you feel empowered now?


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